Senshi Dolls
by XBlue-PhoenixX
Summary: Haruka goes to the temple and finds out that Mattel has made dolls of all the senshi. The only problem is that they say VERY interesting things. How will she keep this hidden from her lover? Will she survive keeping it hidden is the real question.ONESHOT


It was a normal day for the tall, sandy blond haired senshi as she began walking up the shrine steps to retrieve Hota

Senshi Dolls

By: HeartAttach

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor make any profits from the use of Sailor Moon characters and the references to Mattel Toy Company.

Authors Note: A little something I cooked up in my free time. Enjoy, review critically, and laugh!

It was a normal day for the tall, sandy blond haired senshi as she began walking up the shrine steps to retrieve Hotaru from her 'play-date' with Chibi Usagi. She laughed to herself as she could not help but wonder when those two would finally leave the word 'play' off and admit that they were dating.

"Wow let me see that Jupiter doll!"

"Here you go, mind terribly handing me the Venus doll Rei?"

"Catch Ami!"

"Ow!"

"You should have been able to catch it..."

Haruka looked puzzled. "Hey guys," she said casually sliding open the door and slipping off her shoes, "What is going on?"

"Haruka-papa!" Hotaru shouted, grabbed an armload of dolls off of the table and then proceeded to dump them onto her papa's lap. "Look what we found while shopping!"

Haruka looked down and nine sailor suited dolls looked back at her. "Senshi dolls?"

"Technically they are called Sailor dolls," Ami said picking up the green-garbed one. "We apparently have not been as discrete as we should have been over the years."

"Some American company named Mattel put these on the market just last week," Makoto added. "I guess they are a big toy manufacturer, they own Barbie."

"Well I guess we should have expected something like this to eventually happen right?" Haruka asked, "How many times can we save the world and expect no one to notice?"

Rei laughed, "I agree however, that is not the problem. How good is your English?"

"I speak it fluently, why?" Haruka asked inspecting the Uranus doll. Dull painted eyes bore into her head. Haruka quickly lowered the doll.

"Press the button on the back of your doll," Rei said flipping around the Sailor Moon doll she was holding to show Haruka where it was. "They have about fifteen catch phrases each."

"Don't tell me these are like those 'kill James' Elmo's?" Haruka asked, remembering seeing something about demented kids toys telling the children to kill some guy named James on television.

"No no," Ami assured, "These dolls are accurate in the general idea of what our catch phrases are. They just," Ami blushed heavily, "word them oddly."

"They won't translate what the dolls are saying for me and Chibi Usagi!" Hotaru pouted.

"Why not?" Haruka asked the inners.

Instead of responding vocally Minako pushed the button on the back of the Mars doll, _"I am so hot"_

"That is not really bad..."

Ami pushed the button on the Jupiter doll.

"_My touch is electrifying_"

Haruka coughed a little bit at this one, the dolls voice seemed almost, ah, suggestive. "Still the kids,"

Makoto pressed the back of the Sailor Venus doll.

"_Let's make love_!"

Haruka gagged a little on her own spit. "I think I am starting to see your point. Are they all like that?" Haruka asked picking up her own doll and Michiru's doll.

"Well ours are okay compared to..." Makoto trailed off.

"Compared to?" Haruka prompted.

"Yours and Michiru's," Minako finished, "Those two are just, pervvy."

Haruka pushed the little button on the Neptune doll.

"_I am all wet_."

The all the occupants in the room turned pink as Chibi Usagi's hair. Haruka stuttered, "I-i-s this a bad joke?"

"I am afraid not, and they are selling like hot cakes!" Ami said swallowing her blush.

"Let us all hope that Michiru never finds one of these," Haruka said gravely.

"It gets worse," Minako said, "The dolls interact with each other. They used modified versions of their catch phrases to talk to each other."

She pushed the buttons of Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars at the same time and placed them near each other.

"Sailor Moon you make me hot!"

"Do not fear Sailor Mars, I shall punish you!"

Haruka smirked as Rei went bright red and quickly separated the two dolls.

"In general these are very cheap dolls with little programming. That is why they just modified the catch phrase. In the end though the conversations are rather,"

"Kinky?" Minako guessed.

"Exactly! They end up rather kinky," Makoto agreed, then blushed as she processed what she had just said.

"Aren't Americans supposed to be, for the most part anyways, homophobic?" Minako asked scratching her head. "Why make a line of dolls that just shouts Guess what, we are all gay!"

"Because they actually made up life stories to go along with each Sailor. Like Mars and Sailor Moon are best friends, and Jupiter and myself are great team." Ami said pushing up her glasses.

"Saturn is Pluto's child, and Uranus and Neptune are cousins."

At the sound of her planet Haruka looked up from where she had been sitting listening to the different phrases all of the dolls said, "Cousins?"

"So I am guessing that Michelle is Michiru's name in America? So that would make me...Arama?" Haruka deduced.

"You got it!" Makoto said.

"Let us hope for Mattel's sake that no one is stupid enough to give Michiru one of these dolls," was all that Haruka could say. "Should I even try pressing their buttons at the same time?"

"Ahhhh, we haven't quite done that yet," Ami spoke timidly turning red.

"I am actually kind of afraid of that they will say..." Makoto added blushing as well.

"Well there is no time like the past to find out now!" Minako brazenly said grabbing the two dolls from Haruka's hand.

"I think you mean 'There is no time like the present...' right?"

"Of course! That works too. So here we go!" Minako pushed the buttons.

The people waiting at the bus stop at the bottom of the stairs leading to the shrine cringed as they heard a chorus of "OHMYGOD!"

"Now Hotaru, firefly, remember that we are not allowed to tell Michiru-mama about any of this okay?" Haruka asked her child nervously as they drove silently to the house.

After hearing the dialogue between the two dolls Haruka immediately confiscated all the outer senshi dolls and left with her little girl.

"Okay!" Hotaru nodded, sensing that it was disturbing her papa a fair bit. "Papa what did the dolls say that made Ami pass out?" she asked innocently.

Haruka blushed profusely and scratched the tip of her nose awkwardly. "I will tell you when you are older," she piped.

That statement really wasn't fair seeing as Hotaru would not mature normally until the coming of the Crystal era, but what the little Hotaru doesn't know cannot hurt her.

Haruka winced when she saw that Michiru was already home.

"Just sneak them in and hide them in my shoes, she would never look there..." Haruka said, trying to reassure herself. Leaving them in the car would to risky, Michiru had plenty of small things she could possible need nestled in the car.

"Michiru we're home!" Haruka called into the house slipping off her shoes. As she went to place the dolls into the dark confines of her shoes Michiru stepped into the hallway. Quickly tucking them into the back pockets of her pants Haruka let out a nervous chuckle.

"Was there a lot of traffic, it took you a while to get home." Michiru commented walking to give her lover a kiss.

Haruka scratched her nose, a bad nervous habit, "Not really, the girls needed a little help with their eh, English homework at the shrine is all. I offered to help them and you know how hopeless everyone besides Ami is," she trailed off.

"Oh I see," was all her blue haired lover hummed. "Dinner is ready,"

"I will be there in a second," Haruka tried to run away but was caught by the ear.

"Oh no you don't! I cooked all night and now it's already getting cold." Michiru glared at her. "I told you I was cooking tonight and you were still late!" she admonished.

"I am sorry dear," Haruka said by instinct. How else do you stay with the same women for centuries? You learn get out of jail free sayings.

The blonde looked at her chair uncomfortably, the English speaking monsters in her pockets digging into her back, and soon her bottom.

"Sit down." Michiru said genially giving Haruka a award winning smile.

"How do I say I would rather stand?" Haruka cried internally. Positioning herself over her chair she descended slowly. Plastic arms and legs dug into tender flesh.

"Serenity please do not push a button please do not push a button please do not push a button please do not push a button." Haruka monologue desperately.

"_I am rock hard!"_ A small metallic sounding voice squawked.

"What was that?" Michiru asked, being fairly fluent in English herself from having traveled to Europe so many times.

"I said I fell onto that rock hard. My tail bone is a little sore," Haruka grinned shyly, speaking in English.

"Right," was the stark reply.

"So how was your day Michiru?" Haruka asked stabbing a few green beans.

"It was fine, I went shopping actually." Michiru said reaching across the table to grab the salt. Haruka forced her eyes to stay head level.

Haruka swallowed hard, "Really! Did you find anything that you liked?"

"Oh yes the china shop had some lovely tea cups with a sea turtle design on them," Michiru said, "I am trying to replace all of our cracked china from the last youma attack," she spoke matter of factly.

"Haruka-papa, may I please have some more green beans?" Hotaru asked from her seat, reaching at the bowl that was just out of her grasp.

Haruka smiled, still finding it odd that her daughter ate anything green. "Here you go," she shifted then cursed under her breath as the dolls moved.

She thanked Serenity when no noise came out of her backside.

"Haruka are you alright?" Michiru asked, "You really must have fallen hard, where does it hurt?" she was in full-fledged concern mode when she noticed her blond lover cursing under her breath.

"I am fine really-" Haruka gulped as Michiru scooted closer to her.

"Come on you don't have to be so brave, where does it hurt?" Michiru asked standing up and leaning over Haruka.

Haruka chuckled nervously as she looked at Michiru, who was leaning over her. "Really it is fine I just hurt my tail bone...GAH!" Haruka jumped up from her chair and hopped away. Normally she would have been fine with Michiru's hand riding down her spine, but with two demented senshi dolls in her back pocket that was not a very good idea.

Her rear end hit the corner of the table.

"_I am wet_!"

"What?" Michiru asked in English this time, eye brows raised well into her hairline.

"Ah, well you see..."

"_I am going to rock your world_"

"No!" Haruka shouted over the small electronic voice, her girlfriend gave her a strange look.

"So you do not want to rock my world?" the bluenett asked in perfect English again.

"Yes, wait no, YES, ahh, NO," Haruka stumbled over her own words, her hand trying to discreetly separate the dolls.

"Haruka please this is no way to behave in front of Hotaru," Michiru sighed shaking her glorious mane of aqua locks.

"R-r-right," Haruka had the intelligence enough to look ashamed. She gingerly sat down. 'Stupid dolls,' she mentally swore, 'Whoever made these are going to pay big time once I get my hands on them!'

"Haruka!"

"What?" she asked ripped her thoughts of possible ways of torture.

"You are going to break the plate if you keep stabbing the pork like that," Michiru admonished again.

Dinner from there was a quite affair.

Meal tucked away Michiru turned to Hotaru, "Honey do you mind doing the dishes tonight. Me and your Haruka-papa need to talk,"

"Umm," the tweenager shifted uncomfortably, "Sure thing Michiru-mama." Quickly she picked up the plates and shoot into the kitchen.

"Now," the drawl at the end of the aqua haired women gave Haruka shivers, "I think I know what is really going on here Haruka," she gave her a shallow grin.

"You," Haruka coughed to clear her throat, "You do?"

"Oh yes. I saw some things today while shopping,"

Haruka shrank into her seat as much as she could without moving her butt, "You did..."

"Yes." Michiru said somberly, "I am sorry Ruka."

"What?!" Haruka looked at Michiru bewildered. 'I thought she would be raging mad if she found the dolls...' she thought.

"I saw that I haven't been as attentive to you as I should have been," Michiru continued, "I have just been so stressed with the new CD and the gallery, and the constant Youma attacks have me stretched to my limits," she finished wrapping her arms around Haruka's neck, "But tonight I plan on fixing that..." she blew into the blondes ear, causing her to shutter.

"Ahhh," Haruka tried to scoot away. "I need to use the restroom!" she shouted and walked backwards towards the hallway connecting to the bathroom.

"Stupid little dolls!" she whispered holding them up in front of the mirror.

Haruka slapped them down onto the sink counter and turned on the water to splash her face. Her hand shoot out to find one of the hand towels, but while groping blindly her arm push the Sailor Uranus doll into the sink, which was full of water.

"_Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! I am going to rock your world! Rock your world! Rock your world!" _came the squealed and ear splitting voice of the blond doll.

"Shit!" Haruka cursed wiping her face frantically trying to wipe the water from her face.

The skirt on the doll clogged up the sink, and water began to rise dangerously. As Haruka stumbled around looking for anything to clean her face with the water rose to the edge of the basin and overflowed, taking the slick soap bar along with it.

"Where is the freaking towe-AGH" she shouted as her foot slipped unceremoniously on the soap bar and landed with a wet plop onto the floor. "My tail bone..." she moaned trying to turn over to stand up.

Michiru heard the bang from the dining room, "Is everything okay in there Ruka?" she asked standing to go check on her lover.

"FINE!" was the muffled reply.

Haruka gripped the sink and wobbly tried to reach out and shut off the faucet. Task complete she slipped again, this time splitting her lip on the sinks edge. She stayed there on the water covered floor, soaking wet, bleeding down the side of her face and with what felt like a steel wedge rammed into her tail bone.

All the while the doll was still gurgling underneath the water. And the Neptune doll teetered dangerously just above the battered and bruised blonds head.

As it fell life seemed to move in slow motion.

"Awe hell NO!" Haruka moaned as it toppled and smacked her in the face, leaving tiny handprints on her forehead.

She heard a sharp knock on the door. "Are you sure that everything is alright? I keep hearing things falling and cursing..." Michiru said standing on the other side.

"_I'm Michelle!"_ a tiny voice dragged out, the voice box starting to glitch, making it sound almost like a moan.

"What was the Haruka!" Michiru asked, her voice getting low.

"_Uranus you rock my world!"_

"Haruka," Michiru's voice dripped with venom, "what are saying? Who is this Michelle?" she asked, steel lacing each word.

"Its not what it sounds like! I swear!" came the blonde desperate reply. Haruka tried to scuttle up to her feet but slipped on a wet towel and landed flat on her back again.

"Really, because it sounds like your calling out another woman's name," Michiru grunted.

"I am not its these-" she slipped again knocking the Neptune doll.

"_Oh Uranus, you make me wet..."_ came the slurred voice of the aqua haired doll.

The door sailed open, smashed in by a high heel clad foot. "Haruka..."

"Michi let me explain!"

Haruka gulped as the fire in her girlfriends eye did not die down in the slightest. The orbs grew darker and darker. Tanned flesh became bumped with goose bumps as Michiru cracked her knuckles and grinned. Haruka was scared witless.

With a ballistic shout the blonde shot out of the bathroom and made a break for the back door. A startled Michiru only took seconds to get on her tail, huffing it at incredible speeds in her stylish shoes.

Later that evening...

A panting Setsuna burst into the back yard, her arms full of little plastic senshi dolls.

"Michiru. Haruka. I have something I need to show you guys..." she trailed off. Standing underneath the tree was a shoeless Michiru yelling at the top of her lungs into the branches, which concealed a poor, shoe beaten, Haruka.

"I guess I was too late. I knew I should not have stopped for coffee!" she berated herself.

Setsuna walked up to Michiru and settled down her on going rant on loyalties. "Michiru, we have to talk."

"...and that is when I came to tell you guys that I sold our trade marks to Mattel to pay off all the debts we have accumulated destroying the city every time a youma attacks." Setsuna finished. "Haruka found some of the old dolls that were taken off of the shelves today because of a programming error. She is not, has not, and will never cheat on you!"

Michiru eyes softened and her offensive stance relaxed. Turning up to the tree she shouted, "Haruka, baby, I am sorry. Really I am! You can come down now, I promise that I will not hurt you..."

The blonds head popped out from the green leaves, matted and dirty. "No thanks, I think I will sleep up here tonight!" and with that her head was gone.

"She will come in when it gets cold. Come on let us go to bed," Setsuna lead Michiru back into the house.

"So guys...are your women this scary?" Haruka asked two squirrels that she shared the large branch with.

They nodded their heads sadly.

End... for now...


End file.
